我家曾請過一個菲傭，她讓我從此能用更宏觀（或扭曲的）角度理解世界。那時起，我就了解到世界的真實並非如表面所見，而荒謬在底層主宰了生命的絕大部份。

我家的女傭很早就把我年幼的心靈弄壞了，所以至今我仍繼續朝這方向邁進。

我九歲那年，父母請了這位不可思議的女傭來做家事，照顧我襁褓中的弟弟。

當時我第一印象是：這女人怎麼那麼笨！所以我偷了我爸的百科全書逼她讀。她洗碗時，我在旁邊喋喋不休地教導她，之後給她做小考，看她變聰明了點沒有。記得有一次，她分不清獵豹跟花豹，我就用頭撞她的頭，她居然昏倒在地，過了十分鐘才滿臉漲紅地起來。我爸為此揍了我一頓，但我確信她一定是假裝的，為了害我被罰。

她還偷了我的侏羅紀公園T恤！我找了好幾個星期，最後在她的衣櫃裡發現。她說那是她買給兒子的，要是我喜歡可以送我。媽的真是太絕了！

她常吹噓自己是個優秀的女傭兼褓姆，只要是她餵的食物，我弟都乖乖會吃光。（而他從來不吃我媽餵的東西。）聽起來很棒，問題是，儘管我弟「吃那麼多」，他還是像隻可憐兮兮的瘦皮猴，連一公斤都沒長胖。所以我想她一定耍了什麼花樣，不是把食物倒掉，就是藏在床底下，甚至還可能拿去餵狗了。所以有天中午，我躲在廁所裡偷看她餵我弟，沒想到這個女人居然自己把那些嬰兒食品全吃光了，還假裝是我弟吃的！

有天我看見她彎下腰來清理角落灰塵，於是我靠近她，爬到她背上開始磨蹭她的背。我磨啊磨地，直到高潮為止。之後我要她講出所有的性經驗。她跟我說她都怎麼舔她老公的屌，還用香蕉當道具示範給我看。我當時還不相信真的有人會吸老二，我問她「是真的嗎？」她說「當然，他是我老公啊！」然後她讓我聽叫床的聲音，我也模仿了起來，我們倆不停地叫著，呻吟著，最後兩人都倒在地上，無法遏止地喘息。

我最受不了的是她永遠都在跟菲律賓家人講電話。是長途電話，還要我們付帳。我父母已經警告過她，但她還是三更半夜偷溜進客廳打電話。因為她口腔衛生很差，講電話時把滿口病菌、血液、口水全吐進話筒裡，所以話筒被她用過後臭得要命。

我有時會故意去聞話筒，那股噁心的臭味就是她再犯的證據，我會叫爸媽親自來聞一聞，然後等著看她倒大楣。有一次我把話筒墊片拆下來放在顯微鏡下檢視，居然看到一叢黴菌，真是太神奇了。

我十歲那年，終於要搬去美國了。臨走前她哭了起來，說她捨不得，一定會想我。她把我抱在懷裡，親我的臉頰，故意在我臉上留下大片口水。這真是我收過最棒的餞別禮物！

My experience with a maid....

which really puts things into (or out of) perspective for me. It was then when I realized that reality was not what it seemed, and absurdity was what governs most of life under the surface. 

My maid mindfucked me, and as a result, I went on at the same quest.

When I was 9, my parents hired this incredible maid to take care of housework and to babysit my baby brother.

My first impression was, damn this woman was dumb. So I stole my dad's encyclopedias and forced her to read it. I would lecture her when she was trying to wash dishes and afterwards test her knowledge and to see if she got any smarter. I remember one time, she couldn't distinguish between a cheetah and a leopard, so I hit her in the head with my own head and she fainted on the floor for 10 minutes and woke up with a red face. My dad beat me up for it...but I am positively sure that she faked it to get me in trouble.

She also stole my fucking Jurassic park T-shirt. I remember looking for it for weeks, and then I saw it in her closet. She told me that she bought that for her son, but that I could have it as a gift if I wanted! Fucking epic.

One thing she was proud of was that, being such a good maid/baby sitter, she could make my brother eat everything and anything (because apparently my brother would never eat when my mom fed him). That's all good and sweet, except for one thing - my brother was still skinny as a goddamn monkey and never gained so much as half a pound despite all that food he was supposedly be "eating". So I figured she must be up to something, either throwing it away or hiding it underneath the bed or worse, fed it to our dogs. So I hid in the bathroom when she was feeding my brother during lunch, and she fucking ate that baby food shit herself to make it look like my brother ate it!

One day, I saw her bending over to clean the dust in the corner. So I went up to her and started humping her back until I got an orgasm. And then I started interrogating her about her sexual experiences and history. Then she told me how she would suck on her husband's cock and demonstrated to me how she did it with a banana. I couldn't believe that people actually sucked dick, and I asked her if it was true, and she said "Of course, he is my husband". Then she showed me how she moaned in bed and i started to imitate her moaning until both of us were moaning and panting uncontrollably on the ground.

The most annoying thing was that she talked on the phone all the fucking time with her family in Philippines (LONG DISTANCE and wasting our phone bill). My parents already warned her not to do that, but she still sneaked out to the living room 3 in the morning to do what was forbidden. She made the phone smelled like shit because she had bad oral hygiene and spit into the phone and stained it with plagues, blood, and saliva.

I used to smell the phone on purpose and use that foulness as an evidence that she was at it again and made my parents smell that shit too to get her in trouble. One time I opened up the phone handle and looked into it with a microscope, and saw fucking mushrooms growing out of it. Just unbelievable.

And when I was finally leaving to go to America at the age of 10, she started crying and said that she was sorry and that she would miss me. Then she hugged me and kissed me in the cheek and drooled all over my face on purpose. Best goodbye gift I've ever gotten for sure.