我從來不想過得太快樂。快樂一旦讓人攫取，就可能成為某種不安。亞里士多德曾說過：萬事萬物皆是通往快樂的渠道，我們一生中所做的每件事最終都是為了得到幸福與快樂。快樂是一切的目的，是所有人生所追求的絕對客觀的目標。但快樂時，我也感覺到一種焦慮。當我快樂時，會有種罪惡感，因為我心裡會有一個聲音不斷地叮嚀著：我不應該這麼快樂。

　　為什麼呢？我也不太確定。也許是因為要活得快樂，總要付出一些代價。有時我會問自己－為了得到快樂，我究竟失去了什麼，付出了什麼？有時候活得太快樂，卻不知自己付出了什麼，讓我覺得有點荒唐，因而這份快樂變成一種恐懼。也許我的罪惡感來自於：儘管我自己覺得快樂，但在我自己或其他人的人生中，仍有無盡的悲慘、不幸、絕望…有時我覺得自己的快樂是建築在別的人事物（甚至我自己）的悲慘痛苦之上。那這種諷刺與矛盾感就不難理解了。此外，當我快樂時，覺得自己站在世界的頂端。但人在最高峰，唯一能前進的方向就只有「往下」。雖在頂點卻不得不往下，總有些淒涼不安。

　　快樂令我害怕的另一個理由，也許是因為它缺乏發展潛力。當我不快樂時，我會有努力奮鬥的目標－追求快樂。有努力空間，才有可能性，才有夢想和欲望。要是我已經很快樂了，那還能努力什麼，欲求什麼呢？我一定會陷入怠惰狀態，失去努力的動力，而無法達成不快樂時所能完成的目標。不幸可視為一種現實狀況與障礙，必須克服才能達到更高層次的存有。我討厭完美，跟討厭不完美一樣。對我來說最美的藝術是有點瑕疵、漏洞，有不完美之處的。不完美帶來欲求和想像－我們的心靈樂於填補漏洞，修補瑕疵。心靈幻想創造出來的完美典型，正是其自身最好的養分。所以在現實和虛構之間必須創設出一個隱喻概念的空間，維持一段距離/差距。因為要是現實與虛構間的距離縮短了，欲望就會被消滅。想像力總會創造一種理想化的完美典型，而所謂的完美實際上往往是不完美的，因為它跟心靈想像出來的完美典型仍然不能等量齊觀。

　　這麼說吧，對我而言，追求快樂就像看裸女。當我跟女生親熱，或看著一個穿衣服的女生，我總會想像她裸體的樣子。在我腦中這裸體的畫面總是完美而理想化的。但若她真的脫掉衣服，所有的不完美都會開始滲入我美好的想像中。也許她的乳頭顏色太深，也許肚子上那層脂肪平常都被緊身褲巧妙遮住了，還有屁股上那些細小皺摺，太過茂盛的陰毛…。這時我的腦袋出現一種認知上的不和諧。我腦中自己生成的理想化圖像－她的裸體「應該」像什麼樣子(部分完美)，以及她實際身體的畫面(部分不完美)。這兩者互相碰撞時，理想化的裸體(正)加上實際上的裸體(反)會生成一種新的圖像/存有(合)，正如辯證法的正－反－合。我腦中呈現的圖像，與眼睛所看到的景像不符，超乎我的意識範疇結構，而無法理解。感覺像是一種嗡鳴、安吶其式，缺乏一致性的一團混亂與困惑。正因體驗到這種亂無章法的真實與美好幻想對立，我的老二退縮到不確定的抽象空間－在真實與象徵空間中游移不定，而無法完成它的重責大任…總之，我感到快樂的那一刻，同時也變得不快樂。這不快樂又會重新展開，生出快樂。因此對我來說，快樂的唯一方法就是在不快樂時，努力追求快樂這個游移不定的目標，而快樂只存在於抽象與可能性的虛擬境界。 

我從來不想過得太快樂。快樂一旦讓人攫取，就可能成為某種不安。亞里士多德曾說過：萬事萬物皆是通往快樂的渠道，我們一生中所做的每件事最終都是為了得到幸福與快樂。快樂是一切的目的，是所有人生所追求的絕對客觀的目標。但快樂時，我也感覺到一種焦慮。當我快樂時，會有種罪惡感，因為我心裡會有一個聲音不斷地叮嚀著：我不應該這麼快樂。

　　為什麼呢？我也不太確定。也許是因為要活得快樂，總要付出一些代價。有時我會問自己－為了得到快樂，我究竟失去了什麼，付出了什麼？有時候活得太快樂，卻不知自己付出了什麼，讓我覺得有點荒唐，因而這份快樂變成一種恐懼。也許我的罪惡感來自於：儘管我自己覺得快樂，但在我自己或其他人的人生中，仍有無盡的悲慘、不幸、絕望…有時我覺得自己的快樂是建築在別的人事物（甚至我自己）的悲慘痛苦之上。那這種諷刺與矛盾感就不難理解了。此外，當我快樂時，覺得自己站在世界的頂端。但人在最高峰，唯一能前進的方向就只有「往下」。雖在頂點卻不得不往下，總有些淒涼不安。

　　快樂令我害怕的另一個理由，也許是因為它缺乏發展潛力。當我不快樂時，我會有努力奮鬥的目標－追求快樂。有努力空間，才有可能性，才有夢想和欲望。要是我已經很快樂了，那還能努力什麼，欲求什麼呢？我一定會陷入怠惰狀態，失去努力的動力，而無法達成不快樂時所能完成的目標。不幸可視為一種現實狀況與障礙，必須克服才能達到更高層次的存有。我討厭完美，跟討厭不完美一樣。對我來說最美的藝術是有點瑕疵、漏洞，有不完美之處的。不完美帶來欲求和想像－我們的心靈樂於填補漏洞，修補瑕疵。心靈幻想創造出來的完美典型，正是其自身最好的養分。所以在現實和虛構之間必須創設出一個隱喻概念的空間，維持一段距離/差距。因為要是現實與虛構間的距離縮短了，欲望就會被消滅。想像力總會創造一種理想化的完美典型，而所謂的完美實際上往往是不完美的，因為它跟心靈想像出來的完美典型仍然不能等量齊觀。

　　這麼說吧，對我而言，追求快樂就像看裸女。當我跟女生親熱，或看著一個穿衣服的女生，我總會想像她裸體的樣子。在我腦中這裸體的畫面總是完美而理想化的。但若她真的脫掉衣服，所有的不完美都會開始滲入我美好的想像中。也許她的乳頭顏色太深，也許肚子上那層脂肪平常都被緊身褲巧妙遮住了，還有屁股上那些細小皺摺，太過茂盛的陰毛…。這時我的腦袋出現一種認知上的不和諧。我腦中自己生成的理想化圖像－她的裸體「應該」像什麼樣子(部分完美)，以及她實際身體的畫面(部分不完美)。這兩者互相碰撞時，理想化的裸體(正)加上實際上的裸體(反)會生成一種新的圖像/存有(合)，正如辯證法的正－反－合。我腦中呈現的圖像，與眼睛所看到的景像不符，超乎我的意識範疇結構，而無法理解。感覺像是一種嗡鳴、安吶其式，缺乏一致性的一團混亂與困惑。正因體驗到這種亂無章法的真實與美好幻想對立，我的老二退縮到不確定的抽象空間－在真實與象徵空間中游移不定，而無法完成它的重責大任…總之，我感到快樂的那一刻，同時也變得不快樂。這不快樂又會重新展開，生出快樂。因此對我來說，快樂的唯一方法就是在不快樂時，努力追求快樂這個游移不定的目標，而快樂只存在於抽象與可能性的虛擬境界。 

I never want to be too happy. Happiness is a dread if it is achieved. Aristotle said that everything is a means to happiness, and that the goal of everything we do in life is to ultimately achieve happiness. Happiness is the end of all means, the absolute and objective goal of all human life. But I find anxiety in happiness; whenever I am happy, I feel guilty because something deep inside me keeps reminding me that I’m NOT supposed to be this happy. 

Why? I’m not too sure myself. Perhaps it’s because there’s always a trade off for being happy.  I would find myself asking myself – What it is that I am missing or trading off by being happy? Sometimes the uncertainty of the trade offs that I made with myself and with the world by being too happy brings a sense of absurdity and fear into the feeling of happiness itself. Or maybe I feel guilty because despite my happiness, there is still endless misery, unhappiness, and despair in my life and the lives of others; and sometimes I feel as if I am happy it is at the expense of people and animals and things (including myself) that are miserable and wretched. So there you can see the irony and the paradox. Also, when I am happy, I feel like I’m on the top of the world. But when you are standing on the pinnacle, the only place left to go and will end up is DOWN. And there’s a certain sense of dreariness and anxiety that is coupled with this feeling of being-on-top-and-having-no-place-to-go-but-down.

Another reason why I fear happiness is due to the lack of potentialities it inhabits. When I am not happy, I have something to strive for – to BE happy.  With potentiality comes possibilities, dreams, and desires. When I am already happy, what’s there to strive and desire for?  When I’m already happy I find myself in a lazy state of mind where I stop trying to achieve something I’m driven to and is capable of achieving when I am not happy.  Unhappiness can be facticities and obsticles that I must overcome to acquire a higher state of being.  Also, I hate perfection as much as I hate imperfection. The most beautiful work of art is for me, a work that has glitches, holes, and areas of imperfection. Imperfection comes with desire imagination – the way our minds find pleasure in filling up the holes and fixing up the glitches in order to feed itself a fantasized and imagined version of perfection.  So a metaphorical and conceptual space must be created and maintained between the actual and the virtual – a distance/gap that cannot be closed, because once the distance is reduced, it annihilate upon itself and the desires it brings.  Imagination always creates the idealized perfection, and perfection in actuality usually is imperfect because it can hardly be equated with perfection formed in the mind.

 Let me put it this way. Happiness for me is like seeing a naked girl. Whenever I make out with a girl or see a girl with clothes on I always imagine what she would look like nude. This nude image in my head is always perfect and idealized. But when she actually takes her clothes off, all the imperfections begin to penetrate my perfected mindset of her image – her nipples are too dark, the extra layer of fat on her belly that was hidden so well beneath her tights, the tiny folds on her ass, the excessiveness of her pubic hair and so on. And at that moment, a cognitive dissonance begins to unravel in my brain. There’s the idealized image that I generated in my mind of what she was SUPPOSED to look like naked (partially perfect), and then there’s the actualized image of her actual and physical self (partially imperfect). When these two opposing images collide (idealized nude – thesis + actualized nude – antithesis) it gives birth to a new image/being (synthesis) in a dialectic manner. How this image and being is presented in my mind and what it looks like is beyond the categorical structure of my consciousness, therefore it is incomprehensible. It certainly FEELS like a buzzing, anarchic, incoherent mess of confusion. And it is upon experiencing this jumbled up and cluttered version of reality versus fantasy that my penis begins to retrieve to the abstract space of indeterminacy – hovering in between the spaces of the real and the symbolic…unable to perform it’s much demanded duty… In short, the moment I become happy I become unhappy, and the moment I become unhappy, unhappiness turns back and unfolds on itself to give birth to happiness. So the only way for me to be happy is to be unhappy while progressively striving for the moving target of happiness that exists only in the virtual realm of abstraction and possibility.